Blue Mix Tape

Remember when I said it had been a while?

2010-09-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

It really HAS been forever!

Stuff is going great! Getting married in 36 days! Wow! That's seriously insane, but I'm crazy excited about it.

What else is new? Pretty much everything. Still trying to get good at photography. Just got a new used laptop to replace the MacBook that freaked out a few months ago. BOO!!

Haven't picked up a guitar in almost a year. No real reason why. No real reason to do it either. Every now and then I think about it, but then I just don't.

Generally not listening to much music. Certainly not much depressing music anyway- I just don't have the time or energy for it. I'm glad. Every now and again, I get tempted to listen to the depressing ass music I recorded a few years ago. I don't even feel like the same person who recorded all that stuff. So weird. Alhamdulillah my life has moved past that kind of thing.

In a lot of ways, I find music to be frivolous. This is pretty weird since music used to be my life. I think part of it really may be that I went straight edge. I think in a lot of weird ways, my friend Jay, whom I still love like a brother, and I fed off each each other creatively, but I think both of us were in a place that was emotionally very dark and volatile. In a ton of ways, it was cathartic and huge in pushing through a lot of emotional and spiritual debris, but in a lot of ways, listening to the music I used to write shows an immense degree of sadness and a distinct lack of faith in anything bigger than ourselves. I mean it seems clear from where I sit now that I desperately wanted to believe something, but the lyrics and the overall disposition definitely indicates a serious lack of faith. And I don't mean that in the sense of religious faith, but in a deeper sense. I truly felt alone and isolated in the universe. Alhamdulillah I was wrong.

So that's about it for the moment.

I'm kind of looking for a new creative project to work on. Well there's the webcomic, but my boy Metal Jared has been wicked busy and hasn't been drawing a ton. So for the moment, it's all about the gym. GRRR!! GET AT IT!!

It's been a while

2009-06-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

So I just thought I would take a moment to scribble (metaphorically) a few words. It's been a long time since I've written anything, and I certainly intend to write a longer and better article on how I came to Islam, but before that, I have a few things that I want to say:

1. My life is amazing. I am absolutely in love with the most amazing girl ever. The road that got us here is long a circuitous but here we are, and it is absolutely right. Alhamdulillah! Love ya Kris!!

2. Made it to England. That was a great trip! We went to see a play in London on my birthday. It really doesn't get a whole lot better than that!

3. Many thanks to Allah (swt) and Tod for guiding me to a masjid where I finally made Shahada and attend Salat al Jummah on Fridays.

4. Back to the gym!! Time to work on the guns with my favorite gym rockstar!

So ultimately, I just wanted to express my sincere gratitude and love. Stay tuned for more.

as salaam alaykum!

How I came to Islam (Part 1)

2009-02-15T20:06:00.000-08:00

What exactly is it that draws a person toward anything in life? Regardless of whether we're talking about the company we keep, the music we prefer, or even major positions upon which we stake eternity, and I mean that literally. I'm talking of course about the other subject besides politics that we don't discuss at dinner: religion. I don't even like that word. In the Qur'an, the word deen is the word that has been translated into western languages as "religion," but "deen" in Arabic would be more correctly translated along the lines of "way-of-life." I will explain the significance of this of course.

Bismillah al rahman al rahim

My journey to Islam was definitely one which I thought would be weird by all considerations, but from what I've read, it isn't terribly far off the beaten trail from most people's journey from another religion to Islam.

I was baptized and raised Roman Catholic. My mother continues to attend church services to this day, and my father's opinions on religion are rather unconventional. By that, I mean he's about as hostile on the subject as Nietzsche although much less reasonable. People often have found it hard to believe that I am and always have been a religious person, but I am. Before I finished high school, I had been confirmed as a Catholic, but that was effectively the end of the line for me. I attended services once or twice in college, but that was because of a girl and absolutely for the wrong reason.

Toward the end of an emotionally disastrous relationship, I found myself drawn back toward Christianity, although I had by that point felt that there were too many contradictions and humanly formulated dogmas within Catholicism, all of which seemed to point to temporal control for political gain. I investigated the theological positions of various Orthodox Churches and found them to be even more fraught with what I felt to be idolatry and worship of human tradition and human learning. The significance of this was that I began investigating the Filioque Controversy and the various Ecumenical Councils that were behind the formation of Christian theology and thinking that permeates all of Christianity from the autocephalus Orthodox Churches to the Roman Catholic and various Protestant churches. So much of this theology was born out of political realities of its time and was often cast against a backdrop of controversy and the threat of heretics within society. All too often this institution, founded in the name of a man who brought a message of peace and of compassion, found itself fighting wars against infidels, whether they be "witches" or heretics, or Muslims, and in the process committing some of history's most egregious acts of murder, torture, and barbarism.

I found myself feeling that the message of Jesus (peace be upon him) was being overshadowed by an institution that was bent on social control. At one point in time, I considered that it was some manner of illuminati conspiracy, but ultimately, I came to find that the behavior of these institutions was the product of the civilization in which it existed, although this was a continuously changing and highly mutable system. To put it simply: the institutions reacted to society and imposed rules to protect their interests and consolidate their power. These acts influenced society, which caused the Church to react and make changes and impose rules. This was a political reality that was not initially intended to have an imperial end, although unscrupulous leaders often siezed on opportunities to consolidate their power and control.

By that time, I found myself to be squarely in the Protestant camp. I absolutely repudiated the notions of magisterium and the power of human tradition in the Roman Church. I felt that the key to the whole salvation issue lay in the Protestant doctrines of Sola Fide and Sola Scriptura. As with the methodical and academically rigorous approach taken by Luther, I felt that Scripture had to be the rule of faith. If it couldn't be proven through Scripture, then it had to be regarded as innovation and rejected on that basis.

I also was uneasy with the ideas of vicarious atonement. Or at least, I should say that I was uneasy with the idea of vicarious atonement as being attainable but only through a very formulaic (and in a way soundly under human control) manner. The more I explored these ideas, the more I ran into issues with social justice oriented schools of thought such as liberation theology, which seemed to be consistent with the message of Jesus (pbuh) being branded dangerous heresies. I found within the 39 Articles of the Anglican Church boldly contradictory positions to those of the historical Jesus (pbuh). Among these is the position that "the property of men is not communal" and that this is not justified by Scripture but "rather repugnant to the word of God." A bold position given that the historical Jesus (pbuh) did teach that we were our brothers' keepers and that we are supposed to share and look out for each other. Once these positions began to come to light, I clung to the notion that the Protestant tradition allows for more latitude in matters of doctrine and practice- the Anglican tradition was more nuanced than most and it was within that tradition that I had begun the process of attending seminary and becoming a priest.

The damage had been done though. Later, I would find myself questioning the doctrines of vicarious atonement and the dangerous contradiction in expecting righteousness from people who were saved by belief in an event. This was too much, and it even forced me into the battle over how much of the narration of that event could be counted upon and eventually to the notion that the only writings that held Jesus (pbuh) up as being anything more than a man were those of Paul, or those attrubuted to him.

Reading further into the matter of Saul of Tarsus, I found a great many issues which would cause great concern and doubt on the possibility of the validity of Christianity, or as I have heard Dr. Bart Ehrmann call it: Churchianity. Among these concerns were the ideas that in the region of Asia Minor that Saul came from (Tarsus), there was a mystery cult religion devoted to Mithra. Among the characteristics of the protagonist of this mystery cult are the following:

1. Incarnation of deity.
2. Death for the redemption of mankind.
3. Burial for three days and resurrection from the dead.
4. A comemorative meal representing the event (also called Eucharist).
5. A male heirarchy with 3 ranks (analagous to Bishops, Priests, and Deacons).
6. The head of the heirarchy was called the "Holy Father."

In addition to these facts, I also found out that Constantine, the Roman emporer who convened the famous council at Nicea, made Christianity the state religion of the empire, but did not convert himself until his time of death, and even this is the subject of debate. Even worse than that, I found that the emperor was a member of a cult called Sol Invictus. This mystery cult was a group devoted to sun worship. This is the reason Christians celebrate the Sabbath on Sunday even though Saturday is the day of the Jewish Sabbath. All of these factors combined to shake my faith in Christianity.
The real nail in the coffin surrounds the Bible itself. The original texts of the Bible however have been lost and changed systematically. So many of these changes are seemingly the result of the triumph of one particular faction over another with the losing faction and all that they represent or the books they revered being suppressed. So many of these books resurfaced when the Dead Sea Scrolls turned up, or the various controversies surrounding the Shroud of Turin. In both cases, one of the biggest voices to suppress truth is Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now known as Pope Benedict XVI. The subject of Christian controversy demands a great deal of space and resources for a proper exposition. For the purposes of this writing, these matters will not be delved into in great deal as there already exists a substantial body of scholarship on the subject.

To be Continued...

so...

2009-01-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

I was originally going to write something about being annoyed. Then I was going to write something about being mad religious and being above all that, but that made me feel like a pretentious jerk, and that isn't cool, you know?

So right now I'm just watching hockey and thinking that sometimes it's better to just be aware and to be grateful for everything, keep your trap shut and hope that the Bruins pull it out and beat Toronto. I'm watching the replay, so shut up all right?

I guess that's all I've got for now. For me of course I must say al-hamdu lillah and indeed every measure of all things down to their most infinitesimally small sub-sub-sub-like-small-you-dig particles is a gift. Don't let anything else get at you. If you do right and give thanks and pay your respects appropriately, and you know what I mean, and it'll be all good. So shut up, watch hockey, and chill.

al-hamdu lilah

ps I need to learn to bowl.

also, Canada is kind of wack. No, I'm kidding. Canada is dope. I'm just watching the Bruins-Leafs game and I was being kind of a jerk. No beef, Canada. I luvs you baby.

2009... here it is

2009-01-03T15:33:00.000-08:00

OK, so here we go with the goals for 2009. Not like anybody necessarily cares what I'm going to be shooting for, but I think it forces a greater degree of accountability if I throw it out there. In that spirit, here's what I intend to accomplish. I'm thinking of posting some progress reports up here as the year goes on. If people are bored enough, they'll read it. Even if not, it's all good. The written word has power and maybe putting it down will be the boot in the ass that I need to make it happen. So, in no particular order, here they go:

1. Health and fitness: hey I'm not going to complain here- I've lost close to 100lbs since 2006. That's not bad at all, but that's not enough. Sit on your ass and it's only going to get bigger. Noise. Since April of 2008, I've been a pretty regular fixture at the gym, but it hasn't been quite as productive as I would have liked for it to have been. When I say that, it's important to understand my psychology: I'm nuts. It's that simple. I get annoyed at myself if I can't or don't immediately master something. Not necessarily good for the head-space, but it will motivate you. 2008 was pretty good for developing decent form lifting and for getting a cardio routine up and running (horrendous pun unintended but inevitable), but 2009 is going to be a lot more about results. To that end, here's what I intend to have done before 2010:

Reduce my body fat to less than 10%.
Flat bench press 300 lbs. (that's gonna fawkin' rock and you all know it!)
Incrementally reduce my per-mile run time. I consistently run 3 10 minute miles back-to-back. I'm going for 8 minute miles initially eventually ending in being able to do a 6 minute mile.
Speaking of the number six- all I'm saying here is "six-pack."

Career: When I got out of grad school, I made the most colossal mistake EVER. Seriously. I took an 8 year detour. I decided that I should get a "real job" before starting a PhD program. This was honestly the stupidest thing I ever did. I did it because I thought it was the "right thing" to do. What happened? I spent almost a decade in complete misery. I hated my job. I hated the industry. I hated the vast majority of the people I worked for. It pretty much sucked. I hated that I was working in a field that was completely in opposition to my personal political beliefs. My goal way back in the day was to teach, and I lost sight of that. To rectify this, there are three things that will happen in 2009:

I will get certified to teach history at the secondary level, most likely in MA (because the bureaucracy in RI is a complete and utter nightmare.
I will also study for the GRE and explore PhD programs.

Artistically and Creatively: 2009 will be more focused on refining and honing my skills with photography. For the time being, I am feeling as though music has reached a plateau. I will certainly pick it up again, but for the moment, the guitar will more than likely be simply for recreational purposes. Additionally, I will accomplish the following:

Get at least one photo published.
Create and print a professional portfolio.

Interpersonal Relationships: This is not just a matter of doing something so much as it is about changing my outlook in areas of my life governing interpersonal relationships. To that end, here's what's on deck:

To embrace not merely accept things in life as they are.
Embracing with true humility and gratitude every triumph and defeat, every feat and every setback. There is a lesson to be learned in all of these experiences. Concerning oneself with "what-ifs" is about as logical as being truly consumed with concern over fiction. Life, therefore will not be taken any more seriously than an episode of Dr. Who.

Spirituality and religion: Time to fish or cut bait here. Simply believing and stating such is not sufficient. 2009 will also see the following accomplished:

learning to pray properly in Arabic.
spending at least 30 minutes per day reading the Qur'an or Hadith or otherwise studying Islam.
keeping fast during Ramadan.
Making Shahadah in a Mosque.

Stuff I've always wanted to do: Pretty much like everyone else on the planet, I have a ton of stuff that I really want to do. Every now and then, life reminds us that we don't have all the time in the world and we better get at it. So here's what's up for 2009:

Visit the motherland. That's right- without a doubt, 2009 will involve going to England.
Jump out of a perfectly good airplane: pretty self explanatory. Always wanted to and hate heights like all hell, but it's going to be a a blast.

So that's what's up. I just figured I'd put it out there even if only to hold myself accountable for what I want to do. The kind folks who happen by to read this certainly have my thanks and if anyone is aboard for any of them, the more the merrier. And now I'm basically falling asleep at the keys here, so I'm going to call it a night.

Peace

Face down in the gutter, won't admit defeat...

2008-12-29T20:11:00.000-08:00

For the truly hip, that line should be recognizable. It's from the classic Dropkick Murphys tune Barroom Hero. Yes I am indeed listening to the Dropkicks right now. I always have a great deal of nostalgia for the Do or Die record. That was before they became the house band for Boston sporting events. Now I don't loathe them because of their connection with the Red Sox even though I loathe the Red Sox, but I loathe where they went musically.

I remember when they started and were doing shitty Clash covers and making noise in and around the Boston area. I remember when Mike McColgan fronted the band rather than that scenester asshole Al Barr. I mean hell, he might be an all right guy (actually I know he isn't so fuck that) but I hated the Bruisers and I don't like the sound that the Dropkicks got once Al was on board.

And lastly, I rememer when the Dropkicks started. They were a fucking skinhead band. Not a "street rock" band. A fucking skinhead band. Why does that matter? Because I used to be a fucking skinhead. And I wasn't a neo-nazi asshole either. We used to call those guys boneheads and I've still got the scars from fighting with those clowns.

I have no idea why I have the desire to go off on old Oi! bands that I used to like, but there it is.

Thank God for the Gym

2008-12-26T18:37:00.000-08:00

That's really all I'm saying right now. Now I don't want to sound like a total meathead- I'm not there yet (basically, I'm not in good enough shape to be a meathead, but I'm working on it). I just got to work out for the first time in a week. That is absolutely terrible. Between the holiday that shall not be named and the weather last weekend, I got hosed by life. I know it could certainly be worse, but damn if that last week or 2 of december doesn't suck.

Aside of my annoyance at the holiday that shall not be named, there was a ton in the news that was a real drag. Let's start with the holiday in question. Why do I have a beef with it? Well, I'm going to go straight for the jugular here: people celebrate it for the wrong reason. And I say that not only as a non Christian but as someone who formerly believed devoutly in the Christian religion. I would go so far as to say that my theology was on par with Thomas Cranmer - I was emphatically Protestant and believed wholeheartedly in the doctrines of sola scriptura and sola fide without reservation. Based upon the readings I had done of the Christian and Hebrew Bibles, I felt confident in my knowledge and the strength of my faith. Jumping forward many years, we find your intrepid writer not only as someone who has doubts about Christianity, but as someone who has converted to Islam. And yet the lack of faith in the religious implications of the holiday that shall not be named is part of what was on my nerves.

See the problem that I have is this: if you aren't celebrating this particular holiday for religious reasons, all you are doing is celebrating unnecessary consumer purchases and of materialism in general. That, in my humble opinion, is just a steaming pile of nonsense. Of course family can be grating as well at such times- if I got paid for the number of times I've heard noise like "oh come on, it's [the holiday that shall not be named]; lighten up." Well so what. December 25th is just another day to me. Yeah so the majority of the American public celebrates it. Whoopty-shit. I mean seriously. WT Fuck.

The other one I love is when my family tries to drag me to church. That's always a blast. I mean seriously, do they really think I'm going to be like "oh sure, ok- why not?" Here's the issue: my family is Roman Catholic. I loathed that institution for years. Just the word Catholic is offensive. Seriously. It means universal. Tell me that the church of Rome wasn't a tiny bit smug and arrogant in referring to itself as the Universal Church. Fuck you Joe Ratzinger. You couldn't get me into a Catholic church once I had gone Protestant, no way am I going there now. The response? "Oh come on. But it's [the holiday that shall not be named]." Well whoopty shit to that. I have to explain constantly that as a Muslim, I believe that there is nothing worthy of worship except for God. Jesus (peace be upon him) is not God, and there is ample evidence to show how the Christian Bible has been altered and manipulated by a power structure bent on temporal control by way of spiritual power and it has been that way for centuries. Christianity is a bookish religion whose original scriptures are long gone. Even if the Bible was inspired by God, the original books are long gone and there is no way to know what they said.

So that got me jerked.

Then there's the santa guy who shot up his in-laws place. That's just fucked up.
The most supremely fucked up story though is the two little boys who were beaten to death by their 36 year old cousin. That one got me all choked up. I just don't understand people I suppose. But I do understand the gym and there was some definite solace in that tonight.

That's all I've got for now. fuckers.

The more I play music...

2008-11-13T22:51:00.001-08:00

... the more I enjoy photography.

That was actually not me who said that first. It was actually Matt Granz on iCompositions. I find it interesting because I've been a pretty big admirer of his work, which is in its own right excellent, as well as for the fact that I am in the same boat. It's kind of interesting to hear another musician talking about how they really are just more into a different artform at the moment.

I understand what he means completely, having gotten much more into photography myself of late. Both of us have also acquired DSLR's recently. Mine is a Sony Alpha 200 and his is a Nikon D90. Nikons are an excellent DSLR in their own right. My friend Kris has a Canon EOS Rebel, and she gets some sick results with it. I'm getting there. Lately, I'm just starting to experiment more with F-stop, aperture, white balance, etc., but having the ability to do that is really sick. I managed to catch two shots of the same waterfall with different shutter speed; in one of them, the speed was so quick that you can see bubbles distinctly in the water and in the other, the motion blurs it to the point where it looks like an almost gaseous and ghostly motion.

There's no "deep " life metaphor here. I'm just really enjoying photography. I suppose that in Autumn in New England, it's hard to take a bad picture, but I'm waiting to see what happens when winter gets here. I'm also waiting for my Telephoto lens to get here. It's my second additional lens. The first one I picked up was a macro zoom lens. It ranges up to 300mm, which is pretty sick. The telephoto is an aspherical lens, so it'll be interesting to see what I can do with that. Both are made by Tamron. I'm quite impressed by what Tamron does. If the macro zoom I have is indicative of the type of lenses we're talking about, I'm pretty happy so far. I have no idea what other lenses to go with. Some people are suggesting a fish eye lens, but I don't know about that. Maybe. Or maybe I'll look into Aperture or Light Room. I dunno.

Speaking of impressed, all I'm saying here is that the Bruins handed the Canadiens one hell of a beating tonight. WOW! Fuggin A.

Yes we did

2008-11-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

So I've taken an extra day to let this set in: Barack Obama won the election by a lot. I was honestly amazed to see the Obama campaign take the game right to the GOP and to win. I was proud to see a campaign built from the ground up bringing a progressive message and harnessing the electorate's desire for change. For the first time in a long time, I was proud to be an American again.

I was proud that the GOP was not allowed to be successful by raising the tax bogeyman and with the same non-issue wedge plays that they always seem to. I watched in horror as people seemed to respond to Sarah Palin's very thinly veiled racial attacks. Amusingly enough, debate was everywhere: a number of midwest and Texan members of MacJams were starting "educational" threads about Obama's supposedly extreme positions on abortion. Thankfully, the public did not buy into fear mongering. They did not fall for the Rove strategy of distract and divide.

Make no mistake- I know Obama will not be a perfect president. I know that I am further to the left than he is, but this election represents a changing of the guard. This election changes so much. It changes how campaigns will be run and won. It is a step away from the party machines of yesteryear and a vindication of grassroots organizing. Interestingly enough, it reminds me a great deal of the grassroots movement that the GOP was able to put together under Reagan.

Speaking of Reagan, and most importantly: Obama's victory was an indictment of the neo-conservatiitve movement. It was a repudiation of the Reagan Revolution and the Republican coup during Bill Clinton's first term. The people wanted change. They voiced their position that we are to some extent our brother and sister's keeper. They stood on the side of history that recogized the need for qualitative change, not politics as usual. Big concessions to corporate power are over. Trickle-down economics does not work. Laissez faire capitalism is not an ideal to be pursued but a dangerous proposition.

When I woke up on Wednesday, the world was a different place than it was on Monday. No Obama can't be perfect, but for a change, it felt like an outsider won. It felt like the climate and culture in Washington had changed fundamentally. This was not a victory handed to a Bonesman or to old money. Maybe Obama will have a fight on his hands to make the changes he spoke of a reality, but here's the thing: his victory represents a desire for qualitative change and also a coming of age of the American people.

I believe President-Elect Obama reaffirmed the power of the people so eloquently when he said:

And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

I am often cynical and distrustful of Washington, but for the moment, I am truly proud to be an American and proud to live in a country under the watch of a man of vision and humility, intelligence and compassion, a man who I am proud to call President Barack Obama.

Fuck you Sarah Palin

2008-10-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Seriously. And I'm not making MILF jokes here either. That dreadful woman is absolutely fucking toxic. Every day, I see another "Palin accuses Obama..." story, and the common thread in all of them is that they are always accusations of him associating with someone who is labeled as a radical. The worst part of the whole thing is not the fact that the people she's accusing, whether they are Bill Ayers or Rashid Khalidi, are not terrorists as she alleges, but that this awful woman makes it a crime to have conversations with people who may think outside the mainstream. She is part of a very real threat that always seems to coincide with the rise of authoritarianism: anti intellctual rhetoric and denunciation based on possible association. This woman is a fucking cancer to the democratic process in America.

Now here's the fact of the matter- Dr. Khalidi is a professor at Columbia University and the Director of the Middle East Institute in New York. His opinions may disagree with the fanatical neo-con(artist) position on Israel, but this is still the United States of America is it not? Does not the First Amendment allow our citizens freedom of speech?

I've got news for you Sarah: your anti-intellectual populism and your SUV driving hockey mom bullshit are both terrifying and loathesome at the same time. The folksy fascist bitch who abuses power in office, ridicules rule of law, and repeatedly lies and smears intellectuals is setting an alarming pattern. She is intolerant and bigoted at best and at worst, she is a manipulative conniving authoritarian bent on her own personal ambitions, and she will tolerate no opinion other than her own, and for the record, she isn't all that bright by what I've been reading. She does not have any ideas of her own, and she is hostile toward those that do. This is unacceptable. I mean in fairness, university professors seem a little above her head. I mean you will never hear "gosh darn it" or "you bet'cha" or see any winking in an oral defense of a doctoral dissertation.

And so again I say: fuck you Sarah Palin.

Shocking conclusion reached today in RI

2008-10-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

It's true. I arrived at a conclusion from which I cannot escape. Before I go further, I feel the need to digress momentarily- I think the digression will help to prove my point. The digression centers around a commercial for some croissant product; it opens with a shot of a young girl asking "if he likes me, why does he act like that?" Of course the father's words of profound wisdom arise from product placement. He picks up the featured product, in this case a croissant, breaks it and says "take this--" no wait, my bad. Wrong foolish story. He takes the bread and says "well he's like this- kind of flaky on the outside," and breaking it he goes further by saying "but on the inside..."
The audience is left here while the astute daughter says "oooooh."

So what are we to deduce from this? That he is yeast and flour on the inside? That he has no internal organs but only has some semi-solid and highly porous internal body structure? Nope. And thankfully we do not. You don't exactly have to be Fellini to sort this one out.

But this heavy handed metaphor makes me thing that everything is indeed stupid. I've tried to hold this conclusion at bay for a long time and I'm afraid I can't escape it. People watch NASCAR. People like Sarah Palin. People think that war in Iraq is God's work. People are stupid.

Oh my fucking word! Speaking of "people are stupid," do these umps actually watch the games they're officiating? Like seriously. I've seen so many bad calls it is RETARDED. And I'm not just talking about balls and strikes, I'm talking about bad calls on base running. Jesus Christ what a crock.

So anyway, the original premise of this rant before I noticed that the umps are giving the world series to Philadelphia was this: people are dumb. Looking at what masquerades as semi-intelligent programming, the History Channel, or just "History" as they are now calling themselves, was running a dumb-u-mentary on Halloween. What I learned is that Halloween is a Celtic holiday. They specifically laid the origins of it in Ireland. Here's my beef with the whole thing: Ireland is not like Celtic HQ. No disrespect to the country- my mom's family is from there, so much love to the motherland and all that, but come the fuck on- there were Celtic peoples in what becomes Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Spain, and France. And even that position is being insulting! These are nations defined in the modern sense- I mean I almost feel like I should be referring to Ulster, Connaught, Galicia, Brittany, etc., to not sound like a totally ignorant American choad.

Where cultural anthropology is watered down to the point of talking about Celtic origins of anything, there is only one thing to watch for: Wiccans. As soon as the word Celtic is out of the narrator's mouth, there is immediately a shot of a bunch of geeks dancing around in circles claiming that they practice the Celtic religion. Seriously? Which one? That's a very broad statement and a rather bold one at that. I remember in the late 90's and early 2000 era when the whole pagan thing started getting popular. Borders and Barnes and Noble were selling tons of books on paganism, and I admit that religion fascinates me, but what I realized is this: Wicca was basically made up by hippies. Love hippies, not so much on the Wiccans. The phrase "blessed be" makes me immediately want to say "go fuck yourself."

I guess the difference is drinkability. Speaking of go fuck yourself. Christ.

Dear NESN,

2008-10-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

Fuck you.

Seriously. What a bunch of crap. As if it's not bad enough that you replay games and show the score across the bottom and ruin the game, what the shit is with your high definition channel's sound feed issue? I love watching a hockey game where the audio sounds like a skipping cd. I mean seriously, I am so grateful that I hate the Red Sox. The only time I have to be subjected to how much you suck at life is when the Yankees play the Red Sox. Seriously.

I'm not trying to sound like some self entitled consumerist shithead, but what the fuck? If this shit happened with American football, it'd be like the end of the fucking world, but when it's hockey, no big deal? And so again NESN, I say: fuck you. Go die.

Love always,
rob

OH MY!

2008-10-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

All right kids, grab your polka-dotted flying V axe, make like Randy Rhoads and start shredding! The song for the night is Crazy Train. I saw something on TV tonight that made Ozzy lyrics seem almost relevant. Terrifying! But it's true: we're going off the rails on a crazy train.

Now you might think I'm talking about McSame and Stalin's ridiculous negative ads, or perhaps the insipid and ultimately vacuous excuse for civic discourse in the mainstream media. Not in this case. Nope, I'm not going to even mention the morons who think that the abortion debate is the biggest issue facing the world today.

What I am going to mention, however, is the absolutely terrifying show that I saw while flipping through the channels tonight. I'd like to take a moment right now to point out the Daphne character on Heroes is really kind of spectacular. Anyway, so the show in question was: Celebrity Wrestling Challenge. So here's my logic- it's a show made up of people who have played roles in television shows trying to become pro-wrestlers. So it's about people who play characters in works of fiction aspiring to win a contest to become characters in a fake sport, BUT and here's the kicker: it's a reality show.

The world must make more sense when you're all fucked up on something because from the clean living side of the coin? It just seems to be coming off the track. Crazy train now boarding on track 08.

Various Concerns

2008-10-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

So here's something I really need to know: what the shit is it with the guys at the gym who think it's ok to go commando in the locker room? Like seriously, what is with that? Does anybody ever need to see some pudgy 40-something (or worse a 60-something) walking around the locker room completely bare-ass? Seriously.

The thing that freaks me out more than anything is the guys who'll stand there and chat - like buck-ass naked. I wouldn't be able to have a conversation under those circumstances. It'd be like um.. I don't want to seem rude or anything, but can you please not talk to me while your ball sack's just chillin' in plain view? Maybe I'm intolerant or 19th century or something, but honestly, there is NO NEED for that sort of behavior. I never need to see some dude's hairy ass walking around the locker room socializing.

It reminds me of another thing that I hate to see but that is directly related to this circumstance: the behind-the-balls shot in porn. Are you fucking kidding me? Who ever decided that anyone wanted front row seats to some guy's balls flapping around in the breeze and a view of some chick's asshole. What's wrong with people? I mean you know that there's got to be an editing process with these flicks. Do the guys doing the editing consider the merits of showing that shot? (no pun intended) You know they must. It's not like the final edit before production just doesn't get watched, or if it does, can you imagine what a faux pas that would be? Oh my! I didn't realize that scene made it into the final edit. WHAT?! I'm calling bullshit on that. It's almost as bad as the guys who go commando in the locker room but admittedly not quite as creepy as people with feet fetishes. That's fucking terrifying.

The moral of the story? Eminem has to cuss in his raps to sell records. Me too. So fuck Will Smith.

Ok look

2008-10-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing: that girl upstairs? Not to dump on her, but I'm putting it to you to decide if you agree with me or not. Here are the recent Facebook status updates- am I the only one who after seeing them wanted to stick my finger down my throat and unleash the technicolor yawn?? (Also known as the Chunky Rainbow)

These are in descending chronological order (and since it would be rude to use her real name, I figured I'd be less of a dick but still a dick nonetheless):

Syrupy Broad Upstairs is pretty happy... with the exception of Jonathan being in Iraq at the moment...

Syrupy Broad Upstairs is missing that Marine.

Syrupy Broad Upstairs is watching Jonathan's favorite show... House. :)

Syrupy Broad Upstairs is watching a movie about Abbie Hoffman...with Vincent D'Onofrio as Hoffman it's like watching Law & Order. Weird. (editor's note: I fucking bet is relates to this kid somehow- haven't figured out how yet though)

Syrupy Broad Upstairs's favorite phone calls come from Iraq :).

Syrupy Broad Upstairs's brain is not working properly... this is fun! (editor's note: probably going into some kind of diabetic shock with all the fucking sugary puke-inducing status updates)

Syrupy Broad Upstairs is missing Jonathan like crazy and wants him home... :P

And these are like for the past 2 days? REALLY? Really. I mean come on. Yeah it's not endearing so much as nauseating. If someone was doing that about me, I'd be like um... all my friends will think I'm gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) if I reciprocate, so why don't you knock it the fuck off with the syrupy notes. Or at least in public- I mean fuck he obviously can get on facebook, why not email each other? NOOOOOO... I bet she writes variations of her name with like her first name and his last name and like her first name and hyphenated names and so forth. And you know, I know it makes me jerk for saying all this stuff, but here's how I see it- yes I realize that he is serving our country by putting on that uniform. Respect. Thank you. And she's a great girl. But the more I see the syrup, the more I'm like are we in high school?? And then I realize that it's facebook that I'm talking about, so the answer in effect is yes. Fuck.

So ok, well it makes me a dick. Whatever. Red Sox nation can still SUCK IT! (might as well go for the gusto and let it all rip right??)

This is the big one Elizabeth!

2008-10-20T20:31:00.001-07:00

So yours truly has sucked at life recently and hasn't been working as hard in the gym as I should be. I went back tonight and hit it pretty hard. I can't lie either, I am sore as hell. So sore in fact that I think that the only thing that I can do at the moment is to watch Star Wars and to write a bit.

I could probably recite these movies. I won't though because there are people in this world who recite Monty Python lines ad nauseum and really need to be hit in the face with a shovel. Just saying.

Anyway, so I think that I'm at a bit of a plateau with working out, which sucks. Interestingly enough, as I was heading out, one of the guys who works at the gym gave me some advice. It was kind of cool- I'll keep it brief, but I got some respect, which is always cool. My workout routine has been described by some as being more punishment than working out. The thing that sucked is that I really do feel like I've hit a point where I've leveled off. Not cool. As much as I've tried not to mess with supplements, the consistent piece of advice I'm getting is that I should definitely start using creatine. I've been doing a ton of reading on it tonight, and I'm willing to give it a go. My worry was that it would be like the meatheads I went to college with who all did a cycle of anabolic steroids and bulked up only to lose it as soon as they stopped. The evidence I've looked at didn't seem to support this concern, so maybe I'll give it a go.

Of course I can't just be normal about it. I think if I'm going to mess with creatine, I'll probably stack it with glutamine and ribose. Good story.

My apologies if I just bored the hell out of you. Hey it's better than whining about girls right?! ha!

In other news, the girl upstairs is really going to make me puke with her constant facebook updates about her marine boyfriend. Well maybe I should say her Marine boyfriend. The first way looks like he's some kind of flightless waterfowl. Then again, I have heard it said that Marines die in bunches on beaches. That wouldn't be the case if they could fly would it?? I shouldn't make light of that sort of thing. Not cool. Bad Roberto! Ok back to Star Wars, and walking like Fred Sanford. DUMMY!

how rad is this??

2008-10-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

So I made some changes- I embedded a player with my most recent song. The song is called The Dream Ends, and it is about -- well I'm sure you can guess. Apologies to any who have heard it before- I shut off autoplay to protect sensitive ears.

And lastly, thanks to Miss Buzzkill for turning my night around with kind words. Respek.

The Girl Who Lives Upstairs

2008-10-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

So this girl lives upstairs from me. We used to work together and she's a really cool girl. The funny thing is that she always struck me as the person who was standing off to the sideline and kind of catching the weird and ridiculous things that people do and mocking them. One thing I've never known her to be is syrupy on a guy. She is right now. I alternate between wanting to puke and finding it endearing. At heart, I actually find it touching and endearing. I don't know him personally, but I know he's in Iraq right now and she's clearly retarded over him and I imagine that under those conditions, just knowing that she's here helps him. It really is sweet.

So why am I talking about it? Well it's funny that I should ask myself that in a public forum thereby setting myself up to segue into what I wanted talk about in the first place. I'm thinking about life of course, and when I start doing that, I end up thinking about girls. Well one girl to be specific. Unfortunately, that's a one way street. I won't lie to you either here- it sucks. You can try to frame it any way you want and you can rightly and truly say hey it is what it is and just get over it, but when you have nobody else to act like it's cool in front of, when you have no one but your own mind to deal with on the issue, you have to admit that feeling like you don't matter even a little to someone who whether rightly or wrongly matters a lot to you just fucking sucks.

So as I often do, I thought too much about it. I started to wonder if it might just be a function of ego and that need to be the sun in someone else's sky, and I won't lie; I was concerned that that really might have been the case. The thing is that it's bigger than that. I think in this strange time in which we find ourselves living, everything seems so transient, so temporary, and in many cases, so fake. I think for a lot of people, or maybe I should say I hope that for a lot of people, there is a desire for that real moment. You know the ones I mean? They're either too hard to describe or I'm not a good enough writer to describe them. I think it's just that need to feel connected to humanity as a whole, a sense of solidarity- like no matter how much of life gets crazy or what mistakes we may make, that we matter to somebody- that there is someone cheering you on. And I have to tell you that it wicked sucks (and I don't apologize for the regional dialect here) when that just isn't there.

Indifference sucks a lot. I always laugh at the idea that the opposite of love is hate. It isn't. Apathy is the killer. And you know, I know that I'm sounding like a whiny fuck. I'd like to try and convince you that I'm not talking about me at all. It'd be like trying to describe that real moment though. I'm just not a good enough writer to do it. I'd say it'd make you sad, but sad isn't really the right word for it. Oh yeah by the way, regardless of what happens, I just want to say fuck you to the first base ump in the ALCS right now. Fuck you. Jason Bay went around and that should have been a strikeout not a walk.

What was I talking about? Oh a girl? Fucking whatever. There's more important things in the world. Like right now the Rays might well go to the World Series. That would be really cool if it happens. And I don't just say that as a Yankee fan hating on the Red Sox. I tried to make myself want the Sox to win. I really did and I couldn't. Like I said in a prior post- I just don't dig what Boston's about. Sorry to all who are there. I don't think anyone from that area reads me anyway, so I'm not terribly worried. I mean it's not like Providence is a rad town either. Fuck Providence and Buddy Cianci. I was never a fan of David Ciciline either. The only time he was of any use to me was when I was an intern in the Rhode Island Senate, there was a research fellow who thought that then Senator Ciciline was hitting on her. Since he's gay, I thought she might have been seeing further into the now Mayor of Providence's social graces than was necessary. But basically, fuck Providence too. Waterfire is lame. Brown University can eat my shit, and most importantly, RISD can die in a fire. Fucking crap.

The good news? The Rays just beat the Red Sox to go to the World Series. Fuckin A. Red Sox fans, I tried. I really did. I'm sorry to say that I am genetically unable to cheer for your team. At all. I think the only time I could cheer for the Red Sox is if they were playing against the Taliban. And even then it would be close. Like if it was a field full of Darth Vaders, I would have to cheer for the Dark Side. And don't think I don't see the Yankees joke in there. I do. Shut it.
Also, I don't know who "Matt" is, but this chick they keep showing at Tropicana Field has a "Rays: World Series Bound" sign up and in the upper right hand corner, it says: "hi Matt." I don't know who Matt is, but if Matt is banging this girl, then he's all right in my book.

So what am I saying? I don't really know. I guess what I want to say is that I don't want to be so busted up over a girl who I obviously am like not even a speck of dust on the radar to, let alone a blip. I also know it's within my control, but I haven't quite gotten a handle on how. When I see the girl upstairs constantly updating her facebook to be something about Jonathan (whom I have never met), I always roll my eyes and want to throw the fuck up, but on the same hand I feel like I'm being a dick because she's obviously happy and I'm obviously not. So like am I really just trying to bring her down and shit on that? Yes. Yes I am. Because fuck that shit.

When I was a kid, the first soccer team I played on came in second. That sucked. It's kind of been the leit motif of my life. Know what though? It's cool. It's cool because it has to be. Like my current situation, I have a choice between letting it suck or making peace with it and being cool. So yeah, we cool. Peace and love, but good fucking bye. No one's worth losing sleep over when you only hear from them when they need to vent or need advice. That's fucking crap. Now I gotta piss. So I'm ending this babble here.

Greatest Parrot Ever

2008-10-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Basically, I heart this bird.

X Rated Parrot 2 - Watch more funny videos here

So NASA says Space Smells Like Steak

2008-10-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Or so the story goes. I'm not messing with you- seriously. Check the link out for yourself

Space 'smells like fried steak'

Outer space smells like fried steak, hot metal and welding a motorbike, according to Nasa scientists.

Why would I mess with you about that? It's like they're trying to convince us that "all right, astronauts' suits have smelled like fried steak and welding metal, so the universe is 100% red meat eating AWESOME and if you don't vote for John McCain, you're a fucking pansy terrorist."

I also found out that McSame's Joe The Plumber story might stink too. This isn't the stink of steak. This is the stink of BULLSHIT! Allegations have surfaced that Joe The Plumber might not be who McSame wants you to think he is. Check this:

(originally written up by Martin Eisenstadt) here
Turns out that Joe Wurzelbacher from the Toledo event is a close relative of Robert Wurzelbacher of Milford, Ohio. Who’s Robert Wurzelbacher? Only Charles Keating’s son-in-law and the former senior vice president of American Continental, the parent company of the infamous Lincoln Savings and Loan. The now retired elder Wurzelbacher is also a major contributor to Republican causes giving well over $10,000 in the last few years.

Talk about shady acquaintances! Now I haven't looked too far into this story, so it could turn out to be false, but DAMN! There is no shortage of material to make a guy cynical! Wowzers!

I've also made a series of important observations. The most recent are these: Joseph Atwill's Caesar's Messiah was not a bad read by any means, but frankly, he jumps the shark. I felt like he was kind of stroking his own ego. He essentially makes the argument that Christianity was invented by the Flavians and that Josephus does not give viable history in his work: Wars of the Jews and Jewish Antiquities. He is rather selective about what he draws upon and goes mainly to Josephus and to the New Testament. He also draws a good deal from Eusebius. The problem that I have with this is that so much of the New Testament is based upon translations from semi-reliable documents at best, and in addition, Eusebius has been demonstrated to be less than reliable as well.

While I applaud Atwill's efforts, I just feel that he draws too many conclusions and claims that they cannot be coincidences, but he draws them from documents that have been shown to be unreliable. I say this not as someone defending his religion. I am not a Christian. The more of the religion I studied (and I came very close to going to seminary to become an Anglican priest), the more I learned that there has been so much political intrugue, temporal power grabs, textual alteration and so much selective omission that I concluded that Christianity simply could not be viable. As much as I wanted for it to be true, the academic in me was left with unresolvable questions and contradictions. Nonetheless, I don't believe that an intellect such as Dr. Bart Ehrman whose knowledge of Christian writings is immense or Dr. Elaine Pagels, also a brilliant scholar would accept the thesis Atwill advances. I don't believe they would have a problem with it as believing theologians such as Craig Blomberg or Thomas Howe would or on the same grounds as they would, but they would find the scholarship sketchy and selectively backed up by only semi-reliable sources.

In other news, I decided that Boston is stupid.

Seriously. I had to go for an interview today and looking at the names of places: Alewife, Braintree, etc... seriously. Dumb. Alewife really pissed me off. It's not like I don't go to Boston much, but it just caught me today- I was waiting for the Red Line from South Station and I was all sorts of jerked. It annoyed the crap out of me. No idea why. I think was disgusted about going back into the financial services industry. Like I saw the Prudential building and almost heaved. It was a drag. But Alewife? Seriously? Why not call your neighboorhood Beerslut? Idiots.

It's kind of like that Misfits song

2008-10-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

You know the one I mean? Last Caress. Except, the song starts with Glenn Danzig yelling "I've got something to say--" at which point he proceeds to say nothing. Unlike Mr. Anzalone, however, I admit that:

I GOT NUTHIN' TO SAY!

Ever just have one of those days, or weeks? Hell maybe lifetimes? I'm not even able to delude myself into thinking that this article stands a chance of being funny. So it's almost 4am.. again. I just got within like 50 pages of finishing the most ridiculous book I've ever read: Caesar's Messiah. It's just silly. It's like one of those books that people are all like DUDE IT'S LIKE THE DAVINCI CODE! And I find myself saying "well sure, if by that you mean that it's second tier scholarship supported by arguments that have been disproved or that are questionable at best. Still I'd like to finish it.

For now, it's time to crash. Good night and good luck.

Victory Records sure is weird

2008-10-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

So first question- where the hell did yesterday's post go?! Maybe cookies stole it! I really have no idea. I did write it right? I mean I do remember getting woken up, being wicked pissed, and putting Rise Against on at like ridiculous volume and then taking a long shower while it played. Fucked up.

Is there a good time to get woken up by humping? Yes. If it's like Tory Lane or Julia Bond humping me and it can be anytime she likes. Just saying.

So for tonight's weirdness: after the Rise Against show, the Victory Records street team was handing out free discs. Fuggin A. Why not right? Here's the thing- I remember when the first Victory samplers came out and it was like post WarZone/Agnostic Front Skinhead Hardcore. Then after that it started heading toward like Earth Crisis/Strife guttural screaming grindcore. It really wasn't my thing. Just for posterity, I kept the old Victory Style comps- they were pretty bad and I couldn't listen to most of it (except for the ridiculous hilarity that was HiFi & The Roadburners stuff). So the latest stuff from them is pretty much emo. Oddly enough, it's not bad, but talk about a strange morph.

They kind of remind me of that friend you had back in the day who threw themselves into one subculture after another. You know that kid? Usually comes from a well off family and has mom and dad buy stuff for them- one day they want to start a harcore band and you see them with a black hoodie and big x's on their hands. They've got the StraightEdge- now I'm not dissing sXe- I've been edge for a while myself. I don't make a big deal out if it because I don't want to be defined by what I don't do. Anyway, so then this kid next month has like a mohawk and bondage trousers. Then a few months later he's got braces and Doc Martens. Eventually the mohawk goes and he's got a shaved head and a scally cap. When that gets old, out come the baggy cargo pants and the skate shoes, maybe some piercings and new tattoos and it's on to something else.

Victory Records is kind of like that. The tracks by Funeral For a Friend are kind of good. The rest is kind of overproduced teen angst crap. Goddamn Victory Records... this is one wacky game show. Thanks for the free disc though.

Lastly, and in a not so cheery note, Blue Mix Tape sends condolences to Ciheins from iCompositions. Thoughts and prayers are with your family.

miscellaneous complaints and grievances

2008-10-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

OK, so I just saw a video on YouTube showing sarah palin supporters- not just mcsame supporters but sarah palin supporters. I have to tell you that these are some scary fucking people. The video was from a rally in Ohio and I have to be honest, apart from people like bill o'reilly, I really didn't think people thought like this. I mean seriously, they were raising issues with Barack Obama's middle name and saying that he had the right bloodline to be a terrorist.

To investigate the matter further, I thought I would look further into the matter. According to the Oxford American Dictionary, a terrorist is defined as follows:

terrorist |ˈterərist|
noun

a person who uses terrorism in the pursuit of political aims.

DERIVATIVES
terroristic |ˌterəˈristik| |ˈtɛrəˈrɪstɪk| |-ˈrɪstɪk| adjective
terroristically |ˈtɛrəˈrɪst1k(ə)li| |-ˈrɪstɪk(ə)li| adverb

ORIGIN late 18th cent.: from French terroriste, from Latin terror (see terror ). The word was originally applied to supporters of the Jacobins in the French Revolution, who advocated repression and violence in pursuit of the principles of democracy and equality.

to be sure that I was pursuing the matter sufficiently, I looked for a definition of terrorism. This is what I found:

terrorism |ˈterəˌrizəm|

noun

the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.

That being said, I couldn't help but consider this: the opening days of the Iraq war were referred to as "shock and awe" and were essentially designed to produce a demoralizing effect on the Iraqi military in order to force capitulation. History is full of such occurrences, and indeed they are often applauded as tactical genius on the field of battle, but have we all become so collectively certain of our moral rectitude that we cannot understand that fundamentally, that is what war is? Now I'm not going to opine on whether the Iraq war is just or unjust. I as many others regret the loss of life involved with the neo-con political ambitions in this region of the world, and that the brave men and women in uniform would be asked to stand in harm's way and ultimately to see the international reputation of the United States tarnished by ill conceived adventurism that serves no utility and in fact arguably detracts from the mission in Afghanistan. Perhaps George Bush failed to learn from the lessons of history, but I will leave these considerations to the historians.

I guess the question then is, if you see war as anything other than a method of last resort, well I suppose the question is: can you really ever call anyone else a terrorist? I don't get it.

Also on the list of things I don't get is this: people who go to the gym and sort of loiter around on various pieces of equipment. There is one kid in particular. I can't lie- I see this kid and I could slap him. He is rather meticulous about his appearance. Among the observations I have to report are that he seems to gel and style his hair before going. There is never any danger to said hair as he never actually seems to take part in any physical activity that could result in damage by way of sweating, etc. Also there is the attire as well. Generally speaking, the shoes are sneakers although impractical to the gym, although they are pristine. There is the obligatory wife-beater, and one cannot forget about the pencil thin chin-strap "beard." The crowning accessories to this ensemble are the cell phone which he is incessantly text-messaging on as well as a very large silver chain he wears around his neck.

I wish I had a picture for you because if you saw him, I promise that you also would want to slap him.

I would like to close by saying that I am not John McSame's friend. Please stop saying that.

Good night and good luck.

Pace yourself at the gym

2008-10-09T01:41:00.000-07:00

Here's a first! This post has nothing to do with music! Basically what it is is a gripe at 4:45 in the morning because I can't get to sleep.

Ok, so about pacing yourself at the gym, what this means is simple: you have only so much energy to work with and if you push several exercises to the point of failure, you will use it up right away and cause yourself to lose out on the ability to perform your later exercises to full capacity. In my own example, I like to integrate cardio and weight training, so all told, I generally run somewhere around 6 miles in a session. In order to not completely suck at life at the end of the workout, I run about 3.25 - 3.5 miles to get my heart rate up and then I hit the weights. Generally, and this could be bad, I avoid weight training exercise for the leg muscles specifically because I am taxing these muscles when running and to over train them would be to risk injury which would result in losing out on the cardio component, which I consider to be essential. After lifting I will generally do another 3 miles. Since I will most likely be pretty tired at this point, the second run is less sustained in its intensity and I opt for interval runs (although I try to not fall under a brisk jog at the slowest). After that I hit the ab circuit and do weighted crunches and then the Roman Chair. Sometimes if I'm ambitious I'll add in obliques- like a side-plank exercise.

What you see there is pacing yourself. Yes it's a fairly intense workout, but when you break it down into segments and consider how working each muscle group will impact your ability to perform elsewhere in your routine, it's relatively easy to keep it under control.

What pacing yourself is not is walking around the gym in groups with your friends and hanging out around machines but not really using them and generally making a nuisance of yourself. People who do that piss me the fuck off. That's just pacing around the gym and it isn't cool.

Also on the list of gym-related complaints and grievances, what the crap is it with the old guys and the fat guys who feel like it's perfectly fine to go commando in the locker room? Like seriously, no one wants to see your lumpy ass or worse, the garbage. It wouldn't be any better if it was someone in good shape. It's very easy to not subject others to your pasty ass- if I can do it, so can anyone else, so seriously, please consider that it's not cool to make people want to throw the hell up. I mean good for you for getting to the gym. That's the hardest part. Respect. Need encouragement? I'm down. Need a spot? I've got you. Questions about making a good routine or proper form? All good- just ask, but please, please, PLEASE, for the love of God, don't hang out in the locker room. It just ain't cool.

Gaslight Anthem Shock Verdict

2008-10-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

Lincoln, RI
October 8, 2008

Recent controversy surrounding the band The Gaslight Anthem and a local Lincoln music aficionado has come to a shocking conclusion.

"I feel shocked," said an individual familiar with the situation (and who for the record totally is NOT Rob- that would be silly). Similar expressions of dismay are expected as knowledge of the the findings becomes more widespread.

Despite a recent predilection toward cheesy music, a local music enthusiast has concluded that despite their great attitude and stage presence, and the belief that they really are a cool group of guys that the band The Gaslight Anthem are in fact too cheesy. A number of factors came into play in deciding this case, but the most significant seemed to center around gratuitous use of vocal effects.

The usage of this effect, asserted an individual familiar with the matter, seems to hearken to artists such as Bruce Springsteen, who would certainly be an influencing force behind an act such as The Gaslight Anthem. The concern is that Springsteen at one point in his career integrated a faux retro sound into his own style. This included heavy use of reverb on vocal tracks and gratuitous usage of rocker cum rebel imagery. While this was seen as endearing to some, others found it to be cheesy. As Springsteen was attempting to bring popular music away from transgressions of the 1970's and back to its roots, he has been granted what has come to be known as the Jagger Exemption, which is essentially a ruling that holds that despite overwhelming cheesiness, the overall effect is enjoyable enough to become a guilty pleasure and thus exempts the listener from ridicule by music snobs.

While artists such as Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, and Johnny Cash, all holders of the exemption, are considered to hold undisputed importance in the evolution of popular music, the recent verdict held that although the influence of these artists is clear, the recent efforts by this band, despite their enthusiastic live performance and appearance as being "a cool bunch of guys" did not meet requirements for application of the Jagger Exemption, and must therefore be considered a cheesy throwback style. This ruling does not disqualify their music from being considered to be good, but aficionados will not receive the anti-ridicule protections extended to acts covered by the exemption.

This ruling is considered to be binding and may not be re-considered for a period of 90 days during which time the music will remain on the iPod and may be periodically reviewed prior to deletion. Appeals may be filed within 15 days of this finding. If no appeal is received, experts close to the matter say, it will be considered final.

yup still awake

2008-10-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

And I'm also still listening to Gaslight Anthem. I really like some of what I'm hearing, but some of it still sounds a little off-putting to me. I'm really not sure at all why. In other news, I just found out some neat things:

1. The Decemberists new album is tracked. Now all they have to do is mix it and it's done. That's very awesome. They really have never released anything that I didn't like. Crane Wife was really tight, but of course Picaresque is possibly the greatest disc ever recorded. Period.

2. Obama SCHOOLED McSame as Bush in the debate tonight. It was not a stellar debate format, but I am optimistic that we will soon be talking about President Obama. That's tremendously exciting to me.

3. I have thoroughly enjoyed the email exchanges I've had recently on facebook. It just seems worth mentioning. Every now and again, you talk to someone who has a refreshing outlook and a kind word, and that's always cool, and so are they.

And as I'm writing this, I'm listening to Here's Lookin' at You Kid, and I like it. It's a nice track. I also hate to sound like a dick, but I think I hear a little more of Bob Dylan's Don't Think Twice, It's all Right in it than I would want to admit if it was my song. But I could just be being jealous because I didn't write it and it's a good tune.

Gaslight Anthem is definitely coming out more on the cool side than the cheesy side, but the jury is still out on that question. I want to love their stuff, but I'm not there yet. It's growing on me though. I would have freaked if they had been out like 10 years ago- they would have been the greatest band ever. I'm fucking weird.

Strange Discoveries

2008-10-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's the thing: I said that I wasn't going to write exclusively about music, but I can't help but do it sometimes. The best writing comes from stuff that interests you right? I could try to act like grown up stuff interests me, and of course I recognize its importance, but music really is what does it for me. I always said that God forbid I ever went deaf because if I did, I might well consider ending my own life. I don't say that to be stupidly dramatic, and I really wouldn't want to ever do that, but the thing is that without music, it is very hard to imagine life being worthwhile without music.

On the other hand, that sounds like an attachment, a passion like anger or rage that ties a person to something other than their personal developmment and is fundamentally not helpful, so I don't know if I really mean that anymore.

Anyway, so the thing is that music is really important to me. Like really important. I love it like few people do. There have been tons of times in life where I didn't know how to say something to express how I felt and then there would always be this song that managed to say it better than I could have. I always thought that meant that music was amazing and spectacular and it spoke truths that transcended language. Sometimes I still feel that way, but from a Devil's Advocate position, I wonder if that's not just being lazy and using other peoples' words to get my point across. hmmmm...

Anyway, so the concern that we face tonight is a band that I saw last night. They're called Gaslight Anthem and they did put on a hell of a set last night. I've been listening to some of their stuff all day today, and they really can play well, and their lyric writing is really solid. I also like the singer's voice. I was impressed by the energy that they played with last night too. They seemed to be genuinely having a blast. Alkaline Trio was ok, butI felt like they lacked energy, and Thrice was very good at what they did, but they were a little too metal for me. When I listen to Gaslight Anthem, they remind me of something that came out of the end of the punk rock revival of like 2000 or so. It was kind of funny because I always used to say that when punks got old, they grew pompadours and played rockabilly. There was this crazy crossover sound that the Ducky Boys played- it had the same energy of punk rock but played progressions that you'd hear on a 50's ballad. People called it street rock. I always hated that term. There was another band called Squiggy that were kind of these oddball punk/skin kind of a thing, but they played a lot of greaser kind of music. It was a weird hybrid sound that was coming out of New Jersey at the time.

Gaslight Anthem reminded me of that- they were great at what they did, but I still can't decide if the whole Springsteen/greaser/rocker thing is cheesy. Like some parts of the songs were really mind blowing, and like I said, they seemed like really cool guys with a lot of energy and who were having a blast playing, but I still can't decide if that sound is exciting now or not. It made me think of when I was in grad school and wishing for a band who sounded just like this, but the problem is that that's almost 10 years ago. I really just can't make up my mind.

peace

WOW! Just WOW! Rise Against blew my mind

2008-10-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

So ok, I promise that I don't intend to write solely about music, but right at this moment, there is definitely some things we need to discuss about music. Basically, the simplest way that I can put this is that if you have the opportunity to see Rise Against live, then you really need to just do it. By the way, thanks Kris.

I've been to a lot of shows in my life. There were times that I thought I had seen the sickest bands live, just tight performance, great music, lots of energy, but this definitely was one that blew my mind. I've never seen a show where the band was as tight, sounded as much like the studio recordings (but had more energy because it was live), AND managed to have a set full of songs that the whole crowd seemed to know and could scream along. Sing along shows are some of the best. Amazingly enough, this band is lyrically very solid, but their songs are so perfect for that kind of show.

This was the first show I'd been to in years where I felt like I lost my individuality in an immense crowd. It was the kind of show where you just let go of yourself and just went with the energy of the crowd and the band. It was fucking insane punk rock. The thing is that these guys can play! Their music is unbelievably solid, and the number of spots where a song can go wrong is huge! Their songs have a lot of stop-time kinds of things going on, and anyone who's every played with a band knows that starting and stopping can be the death of an otherwise awesome song. It's even more of a danger if you're playing at a very high volume or in front of a large room, or with lots of distractions. These guys managed to sound incredibly tight, never made a single mistake, and all in front of what had to be a sold out crowd at the Worcester Palladium (yes I still call it that- fuck off), and with an insane light show going on.

And I have to tell you, they blew every band I have ever seen, bar none off the stage. If you've never heard Prayer of the Refugee live, then you really really need to fix that. If you have never heard them, it is an absolute travesty and you should go here immediately.

Rise Against official website

Like seriously. Don't fuck around. They are amazing. I won't tell anyone you didn't already know that they were one of the best bands of all time. Now go, and you're welcome.

It's Sunday!

2008-10-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

Well to me, it's still Saturday, but it's only like 12:41. Foolish move on my part: I went to Starbucks at like 8. ERROR! Well it isn't inherently an error, but I probably should have considered the wisdom of drinking coffee at night. Incidentally, it's now 2:10. I got distracted by the desire for a cigar. I know; it's a filthy habit. I only smoke them occasionally and I always do it after there's any chance of seeing anyone socially. That means that I could probably get up and spark one immediately. That's not me being a dick. It's just how it is. Life is happening for people and that's cool. As for me, I'm just kind of on the sideline. I used to feel really bad about that when I was younger, but not so much anymore. You just kind of get used to it, you know? I'm not lamenting- I'm too old for that, and I'm not pining. Nothing is really worth pining for. Just observing.

I always wondered why it happened that there were some people who just kind of always had stuff going on and who were always doing something, and then there were those who just kind of did there thing on their own. Sometimes you hear about the former group complaining that they never get any time to themselves, and other times you know that the person who's just doing their thing on their own wishes they could be part of that group, but they aren't and they can't be. It's just how it is. I came to the conclusion that none of those states of mind has anything to do with the people experiencing them. I think (and I can't prove it), but I think that it's just a symptom of this condition that we call being human. We all want what we don't have. Sure there are people who'll tell you that they're perfectly happy and that they wouldn't want life to be much different. It's kind of like those people that always talk about the man they love or the girl they love and after a while, you have to ask: are they trying to convince me or are they trying to convince themselves?

It's all like this fucked up ego thing. It's like the headtrip where everyone is so hung on what they project. Even me- of course I'm sitting in a mostly dark room listening to sad songs and banging away on this keyboard. I've got all the elements of the sort of person you'd expect to be doing that. I'm listening to Radiohead, wearing a beat up pair of jeans and a black t shirt (plain) and writing on a Mac. Oh yeah, I also have the text book emo kid glasses too. Now whether that's true or not is irrelevent. What is true is that you can picture the stereotype. Love it or hate it, you know what it looks like. Your mind forms a snap judgment. It conjures an image and it makes a decision as to whether or not I constitute a threat. It's a basic survival instinct. You will not that I didn't say it's a basic instinct. That would be just gauche and tacky.

So where's this all going? Well hopefully it's going to bed soon, but oh my God, I really need to be fanboy again: Radiohead fucking rules. They are so simple musically, but they take simple music and they build these monumental pieces of instrumental and emotional torment that is sweeping and grandiose, and all at once, we can all relate to it. Maybe Rolling Stone is right when they get all up on Thom Yorke as the greatest songwriter since like Patty Smith or Bob Dylan.

But that's an image too! The man cannot be as unhappy as his songs suggest. For his sake, I sincerely hope he isn't! Then again, that doesn't take away from the validity of his art. I say that as a musician and as a writer myself. No I'm not in the dumps all the time- far from it, but sometimes when I look at my own work, I see songs like Unanswered Letters, Sad Songs have No Chorus, Tangerine Daydreams, and none of them is happy. Not even remotely. But they are a bit of a catharsis. They are a way to get that feeling out and be done with it.

I suppose that's where an amateur musician has it a little easier than a pro musician. I don't have to play these songs every night. That's a good thing because I don't feel like that every night, especially not when I could be running or lifting weights! Fuckers. I have to wonder if that sucks though- writing these gut wrenching songs like Creep, Karma Police, or Fake Plastic Trees, all great songs in their own right, and having to revisit those feelings every time you play them. I mean when you cover someone else's tune, you have your own feeling associated with it. I've played Creep with a band a few times, and it doesn't feel sad to play. It feels like whoah! Right on! Dude we just did a Radiohead song! Right on. Now, play one of my own gut wrenchers like No Answer or Gamma Ray Burst (and it's a fucking sad song) and those feelings of "uggg" sometimes come right back. Maybe it's because the feeling is relatively fresh- not terribly, just a little, but I don't like that vibe or revisiting emotional sore spots. I think that's why I write a lot of instrumentals lately. I can play in a minor key but I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

So in hindsight, I wish I didn't go to Starbucks because I'm still all gassed up on coffee, but I'm glad I did because this really cute barista always gives me free coffee. I don't even know her name, but that definitely makes the old man feel good. Trying to understand is an old mistake that fools always seem to make I suppose. Just be present and in the moment. Give thanks and make peace. And now I think I'm gonna grab a hot shower before I turn in because it is FREEZING in my room. Christ. Night, fuckers.

It's Saturday!

2008-10-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

I don't really know why it being Saturday is significant at all, but it seemed like a good thing to say. Seems like lots of people just kind of toss around these banal and meaningless phrases and observations. That's kind of sad. Life is too short to exchange what WB Yeats calls "polite but meaningless words" in Easter 1916. For some reason, we all spend so much time dressing the conversations we have with meaningless nonsense. Now that's not to say that we should unleash our innermost secrets on the world or unburden ourselves of all our worries, but the world has the appearance of being pretty plastic and fake from where I'm sitting.

Of course I'm sitting in a comfy chair that I got at Ikea and watching a movie, so my world is just as plastic and fake as the rest of the world. It's not an accusation. I am no better than anyone else and I don't reserve the right to judge anyone or anything, and so I'm not. I'm just trying to make peace with the world around me, as I assume we all are. To that end, I've come to the conclusion that the only way to make peace with the world around us is to make peace with the world within us.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but it seems to me like the world has no sense of itself. People don't know who they are or what they want. They don't know these things because they are being constantly distracted by brands or images, all markteting schemes. There's a never ending cavalcade of images and "needs" (which are really just wants) paraded before us and convincing us that life will be miraculously improved by them and how could we ever have lived without them?

Whether by intent or design, they create ego-driven groups that find a sense of self in people who buy similar brands and constantly seek vindication through being a part of what they perceive to be popular and therefore better. It's like an extension of the common adolescent experience where we all seek to attach ourselves to some group of people, whether the football team or whatever and we find our identity collectively. Safety in numbers. It's like why people are really nice to each other- it's not always for the same reason. True, there are people who are inherently nice and who really do just try to be as kind as possible, but there are others who are cowards. They know that being mean to someone will result in retaliation: mutual assured destruction.

At one point in life, I used to get mad about that and to think ill of people, but it's no one's fault. The human need for validation is a big one and without some sort of validation, we seek comfort in places where there may be danger in doing so. We seek to provoke a reaction, whether good or ill, and often just so that someone acknowledges that we are here. That's dangerous. On a sadder level, I often watch people who are together simply because they're too scared to be alone. We've all done it. I have. It isn't cool, but it does happen. It's why songs like Fake Plastic Trees are so poignant and speak to a sad state of being. If you don't know the song, then you really should check it out. I have 2 versions done by Radiohead and even a cover done by Dashboard Confessional, and it really is a great song. Thom Yorke really is an amazing lyricist:

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
Just to get rid of itself.
And it wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I cant help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time

It's just a sad song. And I think it's sad because it speaks to the experience that we all have. We all project the image of what we think people who are important to us will want us to be. That's just foolish and if they really care, then it shouldn't matter. Anyway, so how do you fix it? I have no idea what you should do. For me it's pushing myself physically. For you it might not be that, but find something you love, truly love, and go for it. Most importantly, still the incessant dialog in your mind and make peace inside of yourself. Like Bob Marley said: emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our mind.

And I think it's time for more tea.

Am I like some kind of masochist or something?

2008-10-03T19:07:00.000-07:00

I think that this is a question that every ex Catholic should ask themselves. One thing that my years in parochial school drilled into my head is that everything is my fault and that suffering really is the only thing my inherently flawed nature deserves.

I mean seriously, what other tradition besides Christianity celebrates the birth of a child who is to save the world- think of the Christmas Eve service and the carols and all of that. They never bother to write a hymn called: "Rob, a child is being born into poverty who will later be brutally killed and it's all your fault," but they should have. Just fuckin' get it over with, you know? But they never do.

Now here's the thing: I respect Christianity. I myself almost became an Episcopal priest. No joke. Many years later, I still look back on my days when I very much believed in the Protestant expression of Christianity. I look back and I miss them. I miss them because it was a simple and emotionally pure feeling that I had, a personal vibe. I would get a lump in my throat every time I heard the melody for New Britain (more commonly known as Amazing Grace) and Louis Bourgeois's Old 100th (which is the Doxology). I don't know how to explain it, but I was very emotionally attached to Christianity. I've come to a point in life though where everything I have read points to an inescapable conclusion that Christianity simply cannot be true. It's honestly terrifying and we don't have time to go into it. Well, that's a lie- we have as much time as I want, but I don't feel like explaining it. There is a professor at Harvard named Elaine Pagels who has written two brilliant books on primitive Christianity: Beyond Belief and The Gnostic Gospels. The scholarship behind both is amazing. Dr. Pagels is a fantastic writer as well. I encourage anyone interested in the subject to read both of these books. Dr. Bart Ehrman has also written extensively on the subject and his work is insightful and rigorously researched. Fantastic.

But that's not why I'm a masochist. I think I might be a masochist because of what the gym routine has become. Tonight was a new degree of ass kicking. I ran 4 miles and then did chinups, butterflies, back extension, bicep curls, pulldowns, then I ran 2.25 more miles. Then I did weighted crunches and the roman chair. Ok so maybe I'm a little crazy at the gym. Why am I doing it though?

The answer is simple- it has a personal component and a practical component. The first part is the personal one: when I was a kid, I played soccer but I was only like so so at it. I showed some promise but I never thought of myself as athletic. Then I went to college and discovered beer. For the next decade, I was tubby-going-on-fat. Then I just got fat. Like seriously. Like over 300 lbs kind of fat. It was disgusting. Well I should say that I was disgusting. I had pretty much no self esteem and was pretty much waiting to die. Pretty lame huh?

My friend Nick gave me a kick in the ass when we worked together at Bank of America. Nick is one of those people that you're just grateful to have met- he's overwhelmingly positive and genuinely a good person. He wanted to get in better shape and so we started talking about making plans to do it. We had this thing about sneaking into abandoned buildings to take pictures of urban decay (it was fuckin' dope) and that was kind of the start of getting more physical. He hooked me up with sparkpeople.com, which is an awesome site. It's great for nutrition tracking and exercise, resources, support, etc., it's just awesome.

I started seeing results. I went from wearing a men's size 50 waist to a 33-34. I didn't even wear 34's in high school. At the time though, I considered it an achievement to get into a size 42. Once I got there, people were starting to notice, and I can't lie, the encouragement was awesome. See when I was growing up, I had one parent who said nothing and offered little to no encouragement and another who said it so much that I didn't believe it. Sadly, it was my dad who had little to nothing to say and to be honest, boys need that. But that's in the past. I understand myself a lot more now.

So anyway, the real kick in the ass was when I was in Nick's wedding. We had a rehearsal dinner, and I hadn't seen the kid in almost a year at that point, and when I finally did he didn't recognize me! I walked up to the door of the place where the rehearsal was and he was looking at me- all I heard was HOLY SHIT!! And it made my day. His wife was like dude you're half the size you were. That made me feel good.

The more practical reason is that I think when I grow up, I want to go to Navy OCS. The entrance requirements are pretty rigorous and the PT routine is pretty intense, so I'm trying to gear up for that. I don't know if I have a prayer of getting in, but it would be pretty awesome if I did. Almost everyone I know thinks I am nuts for that, but it's always been a dream of mine, so why not try? If I don't get in, I may just enlist. My grandfather was in the Navy and I'm named after him and all that and I just feel like another generation should step up. I have had at least one person ask me if it's to impress someone. It's not. It would be cool if it did, but that's a terrible reason to do anything.

But you know what the craziest part of the whole fitness thing is? It's challenging yourself to be more than you were yesterday. It's the desire to compete against yourself and the only way you win is to improve yourself. That's pretty cool, you kmow? So I just went for it. I actually think I hit the runner's high tonight. It was pretty insane. I was dog tired and then all of a sudden like a switch went on, I just erupted and freaked out. It was cool.

And I'm so sore it's ridiculous! It's a good kind of sore though. It's the kind of sore where you feel almost vindicated because you're sore, like you worked your ass off and yeah it's a little painful now, but tomorrow's another day to try to best yourself, so say your prayers, eat your wheaties, and get at it!

Oddly nostalgic

2008-10-03T00:19:00.001-07:00

There's a feeling in the air right about now that I almost can't describe. As the season changes and autumn falls around New England, nature seems to be in a twilight of sorts and winter looms before us. Even still, I always feel a sense of beginning in autumn. Maybe it's a reminder of school starting again or the soccer season getting under way. I really can't put my finger on it, but as I sat outside drinking coffee on a bright brisk morning, I felt a sense of great optimism and of peace. I felt a sense that with every passing season, the old passes away and gives way to the new.

There is indeed a line between growth and death, but perhaps that's two-dimensional. But even after that line is crossed, I suppose we must bear in mind that like nature, generations of human beings grow and thrive and indeed we must all pass on in our journey, to whatever end there is, to as Shakespeare called it, that undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler returns, but we may leave behind another generation to take their place in this world where we left off.

I sat and considered that as I watched school buses roll by and I thought about the interconnectedness of all life on this planet, and for a brief moment, I felt like I was truly watching the future. And I found myself oddly nostalgic, wishing in a way that I could back in that time, not simply because I didn't want to endure the struggles of my own life, but because that time really was something spectacular. And I realized when the adults were talking about back then when they told me again and again to enjoy it.

In a strange way, I felt renewed. I felt glad to have just been conscious of this moment. I thought about the new and the old at the same time, and I know that somewhere out there, there's a kid who's on his way to school right now. Maybe English class is the highlight of his day as it was of mine, maybe not. Then again, on a day as beautiful as that, it was hard to feel anything not nostalgic and peaceful. And I hope that everyone experiences that sort of feeling because it's fantastic.

Anyway, thanks for reading. One love.

peace

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

2008-10-03T00:14:00.000-07:00

Isn’t that a great line? My friend Coren mentioned it to me a long time ago. It’s funny how some of our favorite bands, songs, or whatever are things that friends mention to us. As I tend to think too much about everything, things often have a greater significance when there is an associative property that goes along with them.

In this case, whenever I listen to Deathcab, there are two people I often think of: one is my friend Kris- she introduced me to a track called I will Follow You Into the Dark, which is one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard (and I have TONS of sad music in my musical vocabulary!), and Coren who mentioned to me that What Sarah Said is an amazing song.

And it really is. check these lines:

Amongst the vending machines
and year-old magazines
in a place where we only
say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind
that our memories depend
on a faulty camera
in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose
than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around
at all the eyes on the ground
as the TV
entertained itself

I love the metaphor of the mind being a faulty camera, and it really is. So much of our lives are colored by memories, but what are memories but recollections of events filtered through our consciousness? Everything that we remember retains some coloring that our own bias (and I mean that in a neutral sense- not necessarily a bad bias or anything, just the bias of our subjectivity) adds to it.

Every plan I suppose is in a sense a prayer- every plan presupposes that tomorrow will come. Will it? I don’t know. God willing, sure it will. But how often do I forget that? A ton of times.

The way the song ends is really amazing too- it’s a line: But I’m thinking of what Sarah said that “Love is watching someone die So who’s going to watch you die?.. followed by an insinuated EKG. There are tones that suggest a heartbeat which end in one single note ringing for about 8 beats. The implication is a flat-line. It is tremendously heavy but cleverly implied, so it avoids morbidity despite its subject matter.

It is pretty impressive and very heavy indeed.

In defense of sad songs

2008-10-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

Can't you see?
Can't you see?
The charade is over.
-Dashboard Confessional

I almost can't believe I' m saying this, but I'm a bit tired of polemic and even didactic music. I get weird looks from some and a lot of shit from others, but for all the ranting and raving of politically charged music, what does it really accomplish? Is it really even honest?

A friend of mine is an accountant and they told me something that stunned me. A musician that I have always looked up to and respected as someone with something meaningful to say is in essence a hypocrite. Not only is the image that they convey utterly false, but they live the lifestyle that they constantly rail against. Drawing a comfortable salary after grossing it up with "bonuses" out of which their taxes are paid, they manage to hit every loophole possible and they also do not give a dime to charity.

That's crap.

That makes me think of the person who does nothing to improve the state of the world except for bitching about everything. They always know what everyone else should do (and in fairness, I have been that guy) but when it comes to doing anything about it themselves, they do nothing. They claim that merely pointing out that there is a problem is sufficient. It isn't.

Yes there are problems in the world, but I can't lie to you- I'm fucking tired of being proselytized. I'm tired of the incessant preaching about macro-level problems when I just can't help but feel like there are things on the micro-level that need to be fixed and that can be fixed, but that aren't simply because the path of least resistance is easiest.

I also notice that there are so many people in the world that love to dwell on negativity. Some of my friends fall into this category. Sadly, even my father is like this, and frankly, I have come to see this pattern of often self-induced and certainly self-perpetuating suffering over things that cannot be controlled as a function of the ego. It's a dodge. It's a way to never be honest with the world.

At one time in life, all I listened to was Crass, Conflict, Aus Rotten, Econochrist, etc., but while all are interesting and innovative bands, I came to feel like I was being lectured. I felt like yes, I too was pissed off at the world, but I can't fix those problems. I'm not abrogating my responsibility to live a just life, but I am saying that I wasn't being honest with myself. The things that weigh on me are feelings that we all experience: alienation, heartbreak, disappointment, love, hate, loss, regret, etc.

So to that end, I feel like while they are often ridiculed, there are bands now who have something to say about their own experience, and you know, I may be listening to Dashboard playing songs about breakups or not being noticed by a girl, but I relate to these feelings. All those times that I was ranting about the state of the world, I was probably thinking of a girl. I could probably even tell you which ones depending one when in life it was. So yes, they may seem like adolescent pining, but at least sad songs are more honest than political lectures. So maybe one day I'll break out Crass again, but for the moment, songs like The Best Deceptions speak to me more directly and resonate more. I'll take honesty over posturing any day.